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opposite

*ponder* December 23rd, 2012 @ 9:14 pm

Just now, while sitting on the kitchen floor wrapping presents for my 6 year old niece and 1 1/2 year old nephew, I got a message letting me know that a woman I know and really loved passed away today. Her death and the events leading up to this moment took everyone by surprise this week.

I sat there, on the kitchen floor, with tears in my eyes as I wrestled the world’s most rippiest wrapping paper around presents for children. I thought of how I had totally opposite feelings and thoughts going through my head at the same time.

It’s one of those oddities of life where life goes on for some while others feel like it has stopped completely. How can you wrap presents, toys, and think of happy children when others have passed away and you know their families are dealing with grief.

Grief and joy – two opposite emotions – yet both are bouncing around my soul right now, almost as though they are playing tag.

On December 21st, solstice and not the end of the world, I lit a candle, with three flames. Three women in my mind, two friends, and one was no one I knew, but whose passing I had heard of from a coworker and it, too, had come as a shock. Now two of those three flames have burnt out and my heart is heavy with sadness.

Tomorrow my niece and nephew will descend upon my home and unwrap the gifts I was wrapping tonight. There will (hopefully) be joy and laughter and even though I am always CrankyPantsCat when it comes to children, I am totally going to appreciate that these children are so full of life and make me feel alive.

Life is so precious. I hope everyone takes a moment to appreciate the life around them right now.

I’m now taking myself up to bed and will fall asleep not with sugarplums dancing in my head, but with grief and joy dancing together in a crazy swirl of emotion.

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something’s gotta give

*ponder* July 18th, 2012 @ 9:50 pm

Have you ever had that feeling of complete and total nausea and sickness when you wake up in the morning and you realize what lies ahead of you? How it feels impossible to get out of bed and start another day, knowing what you’re about to face?

I think I’m at that point and I know I’ve got to do something about it. I am doing something about it, sort of. I have started to take steps to change my future, but I know it’s not going to be instant, so I have to try and find some patience, when I am normally a very impatient person.

Every/any other time I have been in this state I knew it was time to make changes or I’d drown. I’ve always been someone whose gut feeling is spot on 100% of the time. I have to stop for a moment and find a quiet space in my overactive brain to listen though.

Sometimes it’s hard to hear through all the white noise.

But if I stay deaf to it too long my body suffers.

So, I am taking some very BIG baby steps and although I am terrified by the idea, I am also excited to try and make something new for myself.

There comes a point where you just have to say “the heck with this shit” and just focus on what you need to keep yourself alive.

My soul has been suffering for a little too long and I’m finally listening. Time to mend the broken spirit and start to heal.

If you need me, I’ll be searching for my Muse. She left a long time ago and I miss her terribly.

*ponder*     5 comments - (Comments are closed)  

blank slate

*ponder* January 1st, 2011 @ 10:05 pm

I like to start off the new year with a blog post on January 1st. My only problem with that is that I can’t think of what I wanted to write about. I knew at 4AM last night when I couldn’t sleep, but now, it’s gone. I blame this on a day full of painting and then dinner at my inlaws’. The most delicious turkey ever can totally make your brain all hazy and forgetful. Yup. It’s true.

One thing I was wondering – why do we mortals think that as of January 1st the entire world will change? Everyone makes resolutions and thinks, “Maybe this year will be better!” when really, isn’t it just another day? Another month? Who decided the first of January would be the day everything is different than it has been for 365 days prior? I guess some people think “Birthdays are just another day” whereas I love birthdays. I look at that as my turn over for when things might change. Only because for me it’s a new year starting.

I tend to look at September as the changing of tides if I think about it. Moreso than January. I think because all those years of starting a new grade in school, new things to learn, new opportunities, THOSE things are changes. A new school year is a change. Sure the people might be the same, the bullies are still there, but your curriculum changes a little. You get harder homework. :P

January first is just another day… you go back to work after some time off, everyone asks you how your time off was. Everyone around you claims they are going to change this, that and the other this year and they will be a New Me. Only a few weeks later the exuberance isn’t there anymore and nothing has changed at all.

All this hope and faith goes into the first day of January at midnight. I am wondering if it is misplaced. I guess people need a reason to hope and wish and pray that things will change and the New Year gives them that opportunity.

Am I just really jaded? I’m not old enough to be this jaded I don’t think. I turn 35 in 23 days and I’m looking at what I have done with my life and all that I have ever hoped would happen at the change of the year and think, nothing ever really came of a new year. Things came with age and with experience.

I don’t make resolutions. I guess this is because I never thought that a change in the calendar year meant all that much. I lost all that innocent hope I would have for a new and better year a long time ago. Yes, positive things still happen and I cherish each one more and more as they appear, but I tend to change my attitudes and ideas at the start of autumn and around my birthday.

Why do we put so much stock in January 1st and the New Year? It isn’t even officially THE New Year. Other cultures and religions have different calendars. I feel like this New Year’s thing is just some fabricated event that doesn’t actually mean anything. Who is to say that our calendar is better than any other? It’s funny how we all just follow along like sheep for some things.

I don’t want to be a sheep. I am much happier being a goat and following my own path along the rocky mountains.

(PS – I would very much like to get rid of my Christmas theme on this blog, but I seem to be locked out of being able to edit anything on my server. No idea why and obviously customer support is closed for the holidays. I’m only mentioning thing because having the Christmas theme in January REALLY bugs me. Argh!)

*ponder*     3 comments - (Comments are closed)  

you’re not there yet

*ponder*, the anomaly that is me December 31st, 2009 @ 10:46 am

Glasses raised we all say cheers
Could this be the one
Our new year
~ Tori Amos, Our New Year

@)–>—-

Every year I do this long year in review sort of post. I’m just not feeling it this year. I don’t know why. Perhaps because 2009 was such a lousy year for so many people, in so many ways. I’m not being a Negative Nelly on purpose, I just know what has happened in the lives of the people I love and care about. At work alone, 3 people have left their spouses, and I just found out about a fourth right before Christmas. Only that person isn’t in my office, though I did used to work closely with them before they changed jobs. These are not people who have only been married a handful of years. They are in the 20 or 30 years together range. I find that scary and sad.

Then there are the number of people who have had someone close to them die this year (including my grandmother). I know people die every year, but this year seemed way more obvious. And so many people died who shouldn’t have and out of the blue. Just in December alone the number of deaths, unexpected and of the young (in their 20s) was mind-blowing.

What the heck was up with 2009? No one seems happy this year. Everyone is tired, and overwhelmed and seems to be suffering so much. 2009 was supposed to be a GOOD year for me if it stuck to the pattern. For almost the entire decade I have had horrible luck in even numbered years (2000, 2002, 2004, 2006, 2008) and the odd years I have done much better.

Until now. Until 2009.

I don’t believe that hooha about the world ending on 12-12-12, but after this year I really feel like it’s a sign or something that things are going downhill. Down to where? I haven’t a clue. But I am hoping that 2010, a new year and the beginning of a new decade will pick things up a little. Maybe give people some breaks. A vacation from all the death, illness and sadness that 2009 has thrown at them.

I have lost people I have loved in this decade. I have lost friendships I once held dear in this decade. I have gained the love of Shawn and the love of some of the best friends I have ever had in this decade.

Because of the losses I tend to appreciate the gains so much more. The friends I have in my life now mean the world to me. These are people I would never had met had I not made the choices I made in the last 10 years. Even with the bad, obviously the choices I made were good for I am so lucky right now to have the friends I do. Whether they be in person, at work, or online.

I have a house. I have a husband whom I love completely who returns that love completely. I have two wonderful, if not sometimes frustrating, dogs who make me smile every morning (even if they’ve puked on the carpet). I have a job (which these days is something to be VERY thankful for), and I have the best coworkers I have EVER had in my life. I also have the best bosses I have ever had in my life. So much so that I know when my big boss’ term is up and he leaves, I am going to feel horrible. I am trying to pretend that day isn’t just around the corner because the 3 of us? We make a good team.

This decade I have had surgery twice, been robbed, been burned out of my home, been double crossed by a stupid landlord after rebuilding the home, been broken hearted, have made friends, lost friends have been deathly ill and mentally ill. So much has happened. And I have survived it all even when I didn’t think I could.

I don’t give much of a hoot about New Years Eve and whatnot. For one, staying up until midnight has never been fun in my books no matter how old I am. But at the same time, I truly feel like September/Fall is the start of my new year. Maybe because even though it has been years since I have been IN school, I still work in an educational institution, I don’t know. But the end of August and start of September always feels like my metamorphosis time. That’s when I tend to start new things, make changes.

And, well, heck. This has turned out to be long again. Oops. Anyway, my point is, I am looking forward to 2010, not only because I find writing out 2010 by hand aesthetically pleasing (I’m weird, I know) but because I am curious to see if the next decade is going to have a better track record than this first one of the 2000s.

Also, and mostly, because it’s even closer to my birthday now. Woohoo! Let the countdown begin!!


Happy New Year, everyone!

*ponder*, the anomaly that is me     4 comments - (Comments are closed)  

some thoughts on a saturday morning

*ponder*, the anomaly that is me August 2nd, 2008 @ 11:11 am

I have found myself pondering a couple of things lately. Mainly:

1) I am curious to know how many lawsuits Nintendo might have against them from people too stupid to realize they are out of shape and have ended up injuring themselves while playing with their Wii. (Ha ha! That sounds dirty!) I can only imagine over-weight, out of shape people pulling, twisting or spraining something while playing a video game that requires them to move more than they ever do for any other video game. This makes me figure that there are people out there in the US-of-It’s-My-Constitutional-Right-To-Sue-You-For-A-Crapload-Of-Money-A that there are lawsuits out there for this sort of thing.

2) I use my left arm a lot more than I thought I would for being right-handed. In fact I tend to use it MORE than my right side, which confirms my belief that I was always destined to be a cool lefty. Either way, the pain in my upper arm is finally starting to subside and I can almost hold things in my hand now, or reach for stuff, or put on a shirt without feeling like I am about to pass out from the sharp jab of pain that happens when I move it. (I think I pinched a nerve or something in my upper arm, or just twisted a muscle wrong as I was lunging for the tennis ball on the Wii. However I KNEW I was out of shape and needed to stretch my muscles, I didn’t think to warm up before playing a video game! Duh!)

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