I have been in a weird head space for almost a year now. Everything is so dissonant and out of joint and I can’t figure out how to fix it. Part of it is work, I have so much going on in my head about what I need to keep track of and it’s causing me to lose sleep (I was up at 4 am this morning and haven’t been able to sleep since – not even a nap). As soon as I close my eyes, the voices in my head get really, really loud reminding me what I’ve forgotten, or what I have to remember to do. There are things currently in my life that are just pounding on my brain and I can’t shut them up.

All day today I have been fretting about this stupid trip to Russia that my boss is going on. The saga has been a daily part of my work life since mid-August. It’s driving me crazy!!  If I’m not worried about this, I’m worried about my class and the research paper I have to write and hand in my November 9. I was supposed to work on it all last weekend but I did nothing but panic each time I thought about it and convince myself I am just going to fail so why bother.

In the middle of all this worry today I realized something even more important than travel visas, expense reports and school work… I completely missed October 22 $ 23.

I. Missed. October. 22 & 23.

These are not dates that ever go by without notice. They are seared into my soul like Christmas dates, or my birthday. I can’t even believe that the dates passed and I didn’t think twice about it because the last two months have just whizzed by and I can’t ever remember what date it is anymore.

When I suddenly realized the date today, I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I couldn’t breathe.  I felt dizzy (and not because I’d been up since 4am). I am honestly distraught by this and feel like I am the worst person in the world.

October 22 & 23 are such important dates in my life. No matter what’s going on in my life I always stop and think about those two days in 1994. I can’t believe this anniversary of the passing of my friend and her mother just slipped by me this year.

Where the hell was my head? I was at my BodyTalk session on Tuesday night. It was the 23rd THEN. I don’t even think I realized the date. That’s not like me.

We’re almost at 20 years since that accident happened. I don’t want to forget. I didn’t forget, really, but I did. I feel horrible about this and I know it’s not the end of the world, but for me… for something that has been such an important part of my life, for something that has had such an impact on my life… for it to just pass by without my notice? It feels like part of my soul was removed.

I don’t care if that sounds dramatic and over the top. Right now I am feeling so many things, so passionately I just can’t keep it all in.

How the hell could I forget something this Big in my life? I’m sorry Erin & Heather, I truly am. Even though I think of Erin on a regular basis (how would she look? What would she be doing? What would she think of this, that or the other?) I feel as though I let her down. Hell, her birthday in August whizzed by, too. I didn’t even notice the days. What is wrong with me this year?

So I’m going to post my annual post here, at the bottom of this one – on the wrong date – because I need to post it to soothe some of the voices right now. I need to offer my tribute to the spirits and let two very important people know that they are not forgotten. I’m just in a strange head space.

~~>–<@>–<~~

erin walker :: august 6, 1977 – october 23, 1994

when i close my eyes

she’s too young to be forgotten
her world has only just begun
her future is an empty slate
waiting to be filled
and i see her
standing there
when i close my eyes

dancing in the sky
over moonbeams, around clouds
starlight in her eyes
angels in her hair
and i see her
when i close my eyes

child of the sunlight
daughter of the day
sleeping on bed of roses
with flowers in her hair

the wind it softly kissed her cheek
the raindrops fell like tears

and i see her
when i close my eyes

a thousand white candles
their flames dancing with the air
as rocks play tag with ocean

she’s fast asleep
never to be woken

and i see her
when i close my eyes

© catherine healy
October 23, 1994

~~>–<@>–<~~

erin walker :: august 6, 1977 – october 23, 1994

when i close my eyes

she’s too young to be forgotten
her world has only just begun
her future is an empty slate
waiting to be filled
and i see her
standing there
when i close my eyes

dancing in the sky
over moonbeams, around clouds
starlight in her eyes
angels in her hair
and i see her
when i close my eyes

child of the sunlight
daughter of the day
sleeping on bed of roses
with flowers in her hair

the wind it softly kissed her cheek
the raindrops fell like tears

and i see her
when i close my eyes

a thousand white candles
their flames dancing with the air
as rocks play tag with ocean

she’s fast asleep
never to be woken

and i see her
when i close my eyes

© catherine healy
October 23, 1994

~~>–<@>–<~~

In 1994, I was 18. I was in my second year of CEGEP. I was finally in the same school as one of my closest friends.  It was a cold, wet, miserable October 22-23rd weekend. I remember sitting in choir practice waiting for them to arrive. It was only the day before that she and I had said “See you at choir!”. I didn’t know why they had not shown up yet. Choir practice seemed so long and dull and people were missing who were normally there. When mass started, I knew something was wrong. It was only after mass had ended that I found out – my friend and her mother had been in a car accident earlier that day.

One of my closest friends was in the hospital and her mother, one of my mother’s closest friends, didn’t make it. I spent that night wide awake in shock and grief. The next day, Sunday, I wrote the song below. Only later on did I find out that I wrote it almost at the exact same time Erin had passed away. Ever since then, I have posted the lyrics as a tribute on the anniversary of her passing. Sixteen years have gone by since the accident and I can’t believe it.

She will always be 17.

This post is dedicated to Heather & Erin. I miss you and I am a better person having had you in my life for those 18 years.