Oh, Internet. I am so sad. I am even less festive than I was last year. The past few years have just been using me as a punching bag and though I never thought I would ever lose my whimsy, I fear I have. I fear my whimsy has run off with my muse (who vanished years ago) and left me all alone.
It was all I could do to switch to my Christmas blog themes this week. Normally I have the decorations out and ready to go the week before December 1st, yet this year they are all still packed away and here it is the 2nd already.
As I get older I seem to let all the negative get to me more and more. Though I used to always rebound this time of year and see the magic and wonder in everything, I don’t have that feeling yet. I only just reactivated the Christmas music on iTunes yesterday. I’m normally listening to it as early as September! (and I have been known to go through phases of Christmas music in the summer, too!) I finally synced up my phone with iTunes so that the music is there, now, too. The playlist is still called “Christmas! Yay!” but frankly? I don’t feel at all “Yay!”
I managed to clean up some of the living room and kitchen this morning. I have so much clutter everywhere you’d think I was on an episode of Hoarders. All the dusting and sweeping and tossing crap in bags because I don’t know what to do with it, but it has to not be on my tables, chest, piano… so I can put out the decorations. Ugh. Once I got done with half of what I needed to clean, I took a break.
My house is dreary.
There is no snow outside. I’m actually THANKFUL for that. ME! The girl who prays for snow in December. Right now, I am happy things are still semi green outside. It could also be that I don’t feel like picketing in the snow, but the one day we did have snow? I felt lighter and more festive.
Faltering festiveness. Again. It’s been a battle since I hit my 30s.
Am I losing the childlike wonder and innocence that I always carried with me? Am I turning into a boring old person? I don’t want to. But it’s just so hard to see any positive or have hope anymore. When did I turn into the person who just always expects the worst and doesn’t get their hopes up about anything? The last handful of years are winning if their goal was to turn me into an emotional black hole of a person with no light or brightness.
The thought of putting up decorations just exhausts me. All I can think of right now is that I will have to take them down in a month. Why bother then?
WHEN DID THAT BECOME ME? I AM NOT THAT PERSON!
I know once the decorations are up I will feel slightly more festive.
But I can’t help think, why bother. I don’t have money to replace all the stuff I needed to replace last year but couldn’t. I need new garland. I need wrapping paper and cards. I need stamps. I need non-broken decorations. Ugh.
I don’t want to see only the negative in this. I don’t. I have been trying to fight it, but lately, I just can’t.
Even when I was in my darkest of times mentally, I still pepped up for holidays. I didn’t even put out Halloween decorations this year. That was a first for me in 13 years of living on my own.
I don’t like who I have become. I don’t even know myself. I just don’t trust anything will ever be ok. I will just always have to settle for the crap hand I am dealt.
If I was in the office, I don’t even know if I would decorate my cubicle like I always do. If we do end up going back to work before Christmas (contract vote on Monday and currently back to work stuff is being negotiated, and surprise! surprise! It’s not going well.) I doubt I’ll decorate. Maybe I’ll just put up my official Charlie Brown tree, with it’s one bulb and leave it at that.
Because, I kind of feel like that poor, little tree right now. Maybe I just need a little love to turn me into a real tree.