I wasn’t in hyper-panic mode for nothing. The one and only other MRI that I had was so awful that I had nightmares about it for months after I had it. It was the worse feeling in the world having your arms pinned at your sides and the ceiling half an inch from your face. I hated it, the drugs didn’t work, because when I am in full-blow panic attack mode I’m like a perp on PCP that can be shot 5 times and still keeping coming at you. I don’t do calm very well.

I was useless at work for the 2.5 hours I was there. I was shaking and I could already feel my breath going into hyperventilate mode. I popped two gravol on the way from work to the clinic. Thought, hmm, the more downers I have in my system the better. I got there at noon and I handed them my credit card and $1300 late (ulp) I was sitting in the waiting room, just taking my book out of my bag and .. they call my name! Actually since one of my two MRIs also involved an x-ray the nurse just did it then to get it out of the way. My first MRI was still at 1:30.

And they gave me my two 1mg Ativan while I sat and tried to deep breathe in  my little closet thing with the locker. I was only in my robe and socks (stupidly I picked undies with sparkles in them, I didn’t even think about it, so I asked if it would be a problem and to be safe we went sans undies.). The pills had made my head sort if wobbly, which I took as a good sign. And I let the WONDERFUL doctor (nurse?) doing the test know how terrified I was and she was so kind. I couldn’t have headphones for the first test because my head was in some sort of brace-thing which sent me into more throws of terror. I had earplugs and she gave me a blindfold, which I was grateful for, although I was starting to feel all vertigo-y. Then she pulls off the mask and says “Look, you’re really almost out of the machine on this end, does that make you feel better?” And I was. The tippy top of my head was out and it was all brightly lit and flowy cool air and it made me feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. I kept the blindfold off and I just closed my eyes. Even with my eyes closed it was bright, so I felt like I was in open space. Also the way the machine curves at that end isn’t the same as the other end and I felt so much less claustrophobic. I just closed my eyes, breathed and listened to the weird noises the machine was making. It totally sounds like someone talking in a mic.

Dot dot dot dot knock knock knock knock baby baby baby baby burger burger burger…

And it had rhythm. Which I started to make up songs to. In the end I just hummed Sarah McLachlan songs during the entire thing. I had to laugh when I was listening to a couple of noises, which sounded like the machine was setting up or something and then the nurse says “Are you ok?” Me: Yes “Ok, so the next set of photos will be 5 minutes.” Me: Wait? We’ve started already?? *laughter through speakers* “Yes, we have! Feeling better?” I could hear her smiling. I knew it wasn’t going to be horrible after that. I was also much more comfortable with being allowed to have my hand crossed over my chest and not pinned at my sides.

Oh, and it was only 30 minutes and NOT 50 like they booked me. Apparently as long as there are no problems both tests should be 30 minutes. If there were problems (movement, etc, reshooting) it would be longer. So I was out of there a lot faster than I thought I would be. So when I was back in my closet, drugged out of my mind (wheeeee!) I phoned Shawn to let him know I was doing just fine, so he wouldn’t worry anymore, and that I was going to be finished way before 4:30 like I thought since this was all so fast. I phoned my Mum too to let her know I was ok. 30 minutes later I was back in the machine and this time?

I fell asleep.

I kid you not. Although this way (feet first) I had a huge plastic thing strapped to my body and it wasn’t all that comfortable and with my head in this direction, it was much more similar to my liver MRI only I could have my arms crossed on my chest as well which made all the difference. I had the headphones on this time that pumped in lousy radio music (we don’t have any decent stations up here) and I think I would have preferred to have just had the earplugs again because the music wasn’t really loud enough to hear over the “baby baby baby burger burger burger dotdotdot” and I would have rather hummed my own songs. Either way, I fell asleep and the scariest part about MRI #2 was when they took off my headphones and unhooked my plastic board thing because I didn’t know they were there. All of a sudden I had two women staring down at me and I literally went “Gah!” and they laughed. “Fell asleep, huh?” Me: *mumble*  I guess so!

Shawn had just shown up as I made it out to the waiting room – great timing. I was so sleepy and it wasn’t even 4PM yet! Made it home by 4:22 and I was torn between food and sleep, but sleep won out and next thing you know it was twenty after 6 and the only reason I woke up is because someone rang the doorbell – which confused the hell out of me because I thought I was still in the MRI.

Managed to eat, watch some TV (GLEE!) and then was back in bed, only to wake up at 10:30 this morning. What lovely, lovely, drugs they gave me.

And now, the next time I have one of these things, I will NOT be living in terror and I know to tell them to give me the 2 pills before I go in the machine. If I ever need to do one where my head is in the MIDDLE of the machine, I won’t like it one bit, but as long as I can see out the edge, I’ll be a-OK.

I have been to the hospital many times, I am sad to say. I have whined in other posts on this blog how there is always something going on with me. Quite frankly I am tired of it. At the same time, once I seem to over come one thing the next thing doesn’t seem like such a big deal. I mean, after you spend many years of your life medicated for one thing or another, and in some form of doubled-over-thinking-you’re-going-to-die pain, everything else seems somewhat anti-climatic.

It’s not as though I expect something to happen once one thing is over. I tend to realize I’m feeling ok and think “Wow, this is what it must be like to feel normal” and BAM! I am hit with Chapter The Next. Oh, well.

Since the pain in my hips, lower back and knees has gotten so bad I often have to crab-walk up the stairs to bed, I made an appointment with my GP to figure out what it was. This has been going on for 2 years now, the first year was fairly innocuous. I would have joint pain and swelling only during my PMS week and then it would get better. One day it forgot to go away and it would increase with each month. Since I had some pills to renew anyhow, I though I would bring it up. Hence the blood tests I was sent for during the winter to check for Rheumatoid Arthritis. Those came back negative, thankfully. Of course other things were sort of off-the-chart and when I had my follow-up appointment (almost 4 months after the results came in!) my GP handed me a referral to see a Rheumatologist. (Which IS a word! I wish my spell checker would just accept that already!!)

I will admit I was scared. Not so much as to what might be ailing me (because the results are actually inconclusive, they just mean there is SOMETHING there) but because when it comes to meeting new doctors and visiting new departments in this hospital, well, it’s hit or miss. Even my GI doctor is a coin toss as to whether or not he’ll be friendly or so condescending that he’ll have me in tears by the end of our 30 second appointment. I was not cherishing this new encounter. Plus some people at work mentioned that generally rheumatologists aren’t always that friendy.

Friday morning I drove into town with Shawn, sat in Second Cup and had some tea, a bagel and a brownie thing, read for an hour and a half and then made my way up to the hospital. First – the bus showed up as soon as I got to the stop and I got a decent seat. Second – when I got to the hospital the elevator opened and I didn’t have to wait 15 minutes for it. Then I wandered off at the 6th floor and followed the signs to the department. I went through these double fire doors that looked uninviting and entered… Hospital Utopia.

It was bright, clean, spacious! People were smiling! The receptionists were FRIENDLY (in GI? Not so much. Nope. I don’t think they know the meaning of “smile”.) These two ladies? So nice! As I waited in line to hand in my cards I watched as doctors came up to the desk to take files, they greeted patients by first name, joked with the receptionists, smiled. It was calming actually. I was a half hour early, which was good because I had to fill out a little paper thing.

When I was call – ON TIME!! – my doctor (young, handsome and smiling!) apologized for the long walk to the last exam room in the hall. I told him I didn’t mind because this was like some magical secret garden part of the hospital I had never seen before and I was enjoying seeing what was around. He laughed. LAUGHED! (I know I am positively witty and charming, but it doesn’t always work on hospital doctors. ). My appointment went well. He asked me questions, LISTENED to my answers, LISTENED when I mentioned some other things he didn’t ask about and not once did he say “oh, that’s not related at all, I’m the doctor, I ask the questions” (which has happened to me in the past). He examined me, poked and moved things and apologized when I yelped a couple of times due to extreme pain.

Then told me he was sending me for more blood tests to see if anything had changed since March, X-Rays and a complete head-to-toe bone scan. Blood tests I was just going to wander down the hall and have done since I wasn’t going into work that day, but I wasn’t relishing phoning those two other departments for the tests because they aren’t always the friendliest on the phone AND I was thinking, this will take months!

Yeah, no. The receptionist PHONED and made my two appointments for me (!!!!) x-ray in July and bone scan 2 weeks later in August and my follow-up appointment there? September (wanted to make sure they had the bone scan results in by the time I was seen again). So I took my little blood test paper when they handed it to me and was saying “ok, thanks, you guys are awesome, see ya!” when they said “just go through that door and she’ll take your blood.”

They have their own blood test technician!! Wooohoooo! I didn’t have to take a number and wait 3 hours for my tests in the main clinic! *dances* So I said “Wow, you REALLY ARE awesome!” they laughed. I even thanked the doctor for being so nice. He looked at me funny and I said “Well, I was really nervous about seeing a new doctor. You never know, right? And you’re really great, so thanks!”

So I have no idea what is wrong with me. I am scared in the back of my mind because I keep having nightmares about it, but during every day concious thought it doesn’t cross my mind. Sure, I hurt a lot and I am actually in way more pain than I let on. I was about to say those I work with don’t even know the amount of pain I hide from them, though those that read this will now know. So don’t ask me to pick stuff up off the floor for you, I’m not being rude, I just can’t do it.

We’ll see what happens. I’m not holding my breath that they’ll find anything. Advil and Tylenol don’t seem to be cutting it for pain killers but I also don’t want to be popping all sorts of pills. So I’ll deal. It’s what I do. After everything I have been through in my 33 years, it’s what I am becoming a pro at. Dealing.